small bits 

extended period of time

micro learning 
takes longer 

assembles things we don’t normally associate 

coincidences 
moments aligning 
to create consequences 

kill the ego
kill the pain 

dependency is brutal 

attachments are suffering 

when i kill my ego 
i hear my body move 
i feel my body move
i stop thinking 
i can just be my breath 
i can experience 
consciousness 
awareness 
against 
desires 
consumptions 
fears 
how do we understand 
ourselves through perspective 

family 
self
friends 
thought
peers
body 
strangers
air
digital 
water 

identity 
performance
survival
expression
ego



individual, temperment, regulation
- languages, symbols, codes
internal
external 
chaos 
calamity

how does emotion transform when wer are permitted to experience it 

if we experience 
our fears 
without fear
maybe we wouldn’t weaponize
our emotions 
project them into the abyss 
of the other 
we wouldn’t scream at the universe
we would scream for the body we exist within
our body ears chest eyes 
will feel the scream 
embracing it gently 
we would know we are alive
we breathe 
fill our chest
a cadence of breath 
and we know we are not our anger 
anger a consumable product 
external sufferings 
informed by 
auditory
ideology 
collective fear and shame

Body as Nautre p. 67 

divested like so many women 
of the inner source of direction 
i thought of my mother and many other women before me 

who had no access to the experiences which have sustained me 

vulnerability is stirring towards wholeness 

aging frailty weakness shame and fear 

exigus - meager, spare 

Industrial West: society’s denial of bodily experience 

body as suffering
body as nature 
if we are the creatures we consume
thinkg of our predicamented existence
ethics of the body 
a woman is an opening 
transitory
pathway
life line
portal 
opened to suffering 
birth is death 
but we don’t ask to be born 
or do we?
did our soulds deeply crave an existence formation
did we simplify get what we asked for
is luck enough to understand our life as good 
truly and deeply what is the reason for more birthing 
truth 
consensured reality 



Forgive them father.
Forgive them their mothers. 

Forgive them father for they know not what they do 

This boy knows not what he did, has done, and will do to my body.

Forgive this boy he does know what they do.


My body will suffer from crippling shame as I become a woman. I will never understand how love is not physical. I will be instrumentalized in grippingly, horrific slow sudden deaths.

I denounce suffering the consequences of this shame. 

When I died that day today and tomorrow wake up with the sense that something is wrong. And every day. For the rest of my life. Something will always be wrong. 
My sorrow and my strength,

I write for the women who used their voice and help me find mine 

Who disclosed generational secrets and truths through storytelling. Who proclaimed their profound sadness and exploitation. Who held the men who hurt them accountable. Speaking to the systems, institutions, and politics that murder. Documenting their history. Bleeding out, their words bonded to the universe, staining it like ink. 

I hear you. I hear you calling us to repent. 

Repent the sins of false idols. Forgive us for giving more than we should. For hurting ourselves more when they hurt us more. For denying our passion to fight and survive. Sexualizing our selves before we were even flowers. Forgive us mothers. Forgive us. 

They don’t let us hear you but we will fight to find you. 

Heteronormative male-female relationships are an echo-chamber of class hierachy. 

11/05/2023

People are influenced and compelled by the actions of others 

i am a better leader not when i am speaking but when i am doing 

Assessing the mentality of the athlete- what happens when they produce the thought of “I don’t have to do this.”


09/07 - journal notes 


The home is an organ:

Health of the home = kitchen 

Kitchen = cleanliness materials food 


Today I feel resembled by the overflow of trash and recyclables in my kitchen. It crept slowly on me. It’s Thursday so I feel the climactic foreshadows of the weekend. I am cleaning it now though!!


Next: coffee + eggs + pears 


Swam in the ocean with my wetsuit jacket 3 x 6 minutes → so scary but it felt so good. Dinner with trick mirror by jia tolentino 
  • Broiled oysters
  • Crab ravioli
  • 3 sherberts encased in white chocolate 

Anger has shaped so much of my life 

Neuroscience of anger - It literally gets your blood flowing, increasing your heart rate and blood pressure. It also increases your testosterone levels, which are directly linked to sexual arousal.

Tired → system responds with more intensity 

Threatened → more intensity 

PTSD → greater response

Dementia → increase in anger and aggression

Pre-fontronal contex regulates emotion

Alcohol, head trauma, dementia, PTSD

Dysfunction in prefrontal cortex 

Propensity 

Control structure does not dial down the response -> it can’t ??

What is inhibiting prefrontal cortex - system in tug with amygdala

Pattern of activity → parts of these regions are doing this 

Reward system ventral stream 

Outcome expectations - constantly disappointed - triggers anger response 

Impairments to reward system - psychopathy  

11/11/2023


I am my home

How do we personify our home and what does our home say about our existence 

How we live

A woman and her ailments how does it reflect in her home

Monster house 

Ghost

I flew in an airplane 

You see how much humans have touched and crushed 

Slithering geometric suburban settlements 

The sky and the sea resist us 


10/28/2023

Do human bodies play an essential role in characterizing what constitutes a concept and what constitutes reason? 

Categories cannot matter more than individuals 

Thought is embodied, that is structures used to put together conceptual systems grow out of bodily experiences that make sense in terms of it - the core of our conceptual systems is directly grounded in perception, body movement, and experience of a physical and social character. 

Thought is imaginative for thoughts and concepts not directly grounded in a physical experience.

→ we depend on metaphors, metonymy, and mental imagery which are still embodied from bodily experienced based on imaginative capacity 

The nature of the thinking organism and the way it functions in its environment are of central concern to experiences of the human body and its embodiment of conceptual systems within the cognitive system.

Cognitive thinking - reason and loss of meaning 

The objectivist views - 

Symbols that corresponds to the external world are internal representation of external reality 

Abstract symbols may stand in correspondence to things in the world independent of peculiar properties of any organisms 

The human mind makes use of internal representations of external reality, the mind is a mirror of nature, and correct reason mirrors the logic of the external world

11/12/2023 

But why is reciprocated violence the answer 

Victims of genital mutilation and the body as a site of colonization 

Victims of religion 

“Resistance is the secret of joy” 

The beauty of living in your own home

To not run away try to escape my home 


11/03/2023 

Imperialism and yard work 

History of war in human existence 

War and enterprise 

Escapism - escape from the self, freedom of choice, everyday life 

Escape theory - decrease self awareness forget meaningful sense of the selves

Letting go of high-level conscious thinking and turning to bodily sensations and impressions 

Freedom from incessant self evaluation, analyses, comparisons, and judgment

Escaping from the stressor - stress copings strategy 

Escaping the emotions invoked by the stress or the stress itself

The need to escape from freedom approach is based Eric Fromm - WWII

The need to escape from freedom stems from the inability to handle the expanding freedom of choice - dread in feeling entire responsibility from one’s thoughts and deeds 

Pleasure excess and indulgence GLUTTONY

Escape from self awareness

Self medication - escape from negative effects not pleasure

CB1 receptors in neurons of the spinal cord - expressed most densely in the central nervous system and are largely responsible for mediating the effects of cannabinoid binding in the brain.

cannabinoids regulate how cells communicate—how they send, receive, or process messages.

The CNS has three main components: the brain, the spinal cord, and the neurons (or nerve cells).

The brain controls most of the functions of the body, including awareness, movement, thinking, speech, and the 5 senses of seeing, hearing, feeling, tasting and smelling.
11/04/2023  

What mobilizes masses of people?

Mobilize - put into motion, incentivizing mobility. 

What are the things that people feel are worth fighting for 

Land 
Existence  
Resources 

What makes people capable of violence at the expense of other lives (i am high and the image i have of this in my head is a literally like viking running into a front line battle and killing someone with a psychotic ass spiked metal weapon) 

FEAR 

Dehumanization 
Animalization
Differentiation 
Deprivation - resources, education, safety, medical care, love 

Religion, Nationalism, Culture, 

11/10/2023 

The sound of violence 

When living in proximity to wildlife and the wilderness 

Less than 1% of grasslands in Montara are native specifies 

How do you restore the grasslands of Montara 

The sound of machines and chopping rumbling trucks 

That sound is so normalized

There is nowhere to go without humans and our grotesque impression on this world we have managed to touch everything and there is nowhere to go that is safe