extended period of time
micro learning
takes longer
assembles things we don’t normally associate
coincidences
moments aligning
to create consequences
kill the ego
kill the pain
dependency is brutal
attachments are suffering
when i kill my ego
i hear my body move
i feel my body move
i stop thinking
i can just be my breath
i can experience
consciousness
awareness
against
desires
consumptions
fears
ourselves through perspective
family
self
friends
thought
peers
body
strangers
air
digital
water
identity
performance
survival
expression
ego
- languages, symbols, codes
internal
external
chaos
calamity
how does emotion transform when wer are permitted to experience it
if we experience
our fears
without fear
maybe we wouldn’t weaponize
our emotions
project them into the abyss
of the other
we wouldn’t scream at the universe
we would scream for the body we exist within
our body ears chest eyes
will feel the scream
embracing it gently
we would know we are alive
we breathe
fill our chest
a cadence of breath
and we know we are not our anger
anger a consumable product
external sufferings
informed by
auditory
ideology
collective fear and shame
divested like so many women
of the inner source of direction
i thought of my mother and many other women before me
who had no access to the experiences which have sustained me
vulnerability is stirring towards wholeness
aging frailty weakness shame and fear
exigus - meager, spare
Industrial West: society’s denial of bodily experience
body as suffering
body as nature
if we are the creatures we consume
thinkg of our predicamented existence
ethics of the body
a woman is an opening
transitory
pathway
life line
portal
opened to suffering
birth is death
but we don’t ask to be born
or do we?
did our soulds deeply crave an existence formation
did we simplify get what we asked for
is luck enough to understand our life as good
truly and deeply what is the reason for more birthing
truth
consensured reality
Forgive them their mothers.
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
This boy knows not what he did, has done, and will do to my body.
Forgive this boy he does know what they do.
My body will suffer from crippling shame as I become a woman. I will never understand how love is not physical. I will be instrumentalized in grippingly, horrific slow sudden deaths.
I denounce suffering the consequences of this shame.
When I died that day today and tomorrow wake up with the sense that something is wrong. And every day. For the rest of my life. Something will always be wrong.
I write for the women who used their voice and help me find mine
Who disclosed generational secrets and truths through storytelling. Who proclaimed their profound sadness and exploitation. Who held the men who hurt them accountable. Speaking to the systems, institutions, and politics that murder. Documenting their history. Bleeding out, their words bonded to the universe, staining it like ink.
I hear you. I hear you calling us to repent.
Repent the sins of false idols. Forgive us for giving more than we should. For hurting ourselves more when they hurt us more. For denying our passion to fight and survive. Sexualizing our selves before we were even flowers. Forgive us mothers. Forgive us.
They don’t let us hear you but we will fight to find you.
11/05/2023
People are influenced and compelled by the actions of others
i am a better leader not when i am speaking but when i am doing
Assessing the mentality of the athlete- what happens when they produce the thought of “I don’t have to do this.”
The home is an organ:
Health of the home = kitchen
Kitchen = cleanliness materials food
Today I feel resembled by the overflow of trash and recyclables in my kitchen. It crept slowly on me. It’s Thursday so I feel the climactic foreshadows of the weekend. I am cleaning it now though!!
Next: coffee + eggs + pears
Swam in the ocean with my wetsuit jacket 3 x 6 minutes → so scary but it felt so good. Dinner with trick mirror by jia tolentino
- Broiled oysters
- Crab ravioli
- 3 sherberts encased in white chocolate
Neuroscience of anger - It literally gets your blood flowing, increasing your heart rate and blood pressure. It also increases your testosterone levels, which are directly linked to sexual arousal.
Tired → system responds with more intensity
Threatened → more intensity
PTSD → greater response
Dementia → increase in anger and aggression
Pre-fontronal contex regulates emotion
Alcohol, head trauma, dementia, PTSD
Dysfunction in prefrontal cortex
Propensity
Control structure does not dial down the response -> it can’t ??
What is inhibiting prefrontal cortex - system in tug with amygdala
Pattern of activity → parts of these regions are doing this
Reward system ventral stream
Outcome expectations - constantly disappointed - triggers anger response
Impairments to reward system - psychopathy
11/11/2023
I am my home
How do we personify our home and what does our home say about our existence
How we live
A woman and her ailments how does it reflect in her home
Monster house
Ghost
I flew in an airplane
You see how much humans have touched and crushed
Slithering geometric suburban settlements
The sky and the sea resist us
Do human bodies play an essential role in characterizing what constitutes a concept and what constitutes reason?
Categories cannot matter more than individuals
Thought is embodied, that is structures used to put together conceptual systems grow out of bodily experiences that make sense in terms of it - the core of our conceptual systems is directly grounded in perception, body movement, and experience of a physical and social character.
Thought is imaginative for thoughts and concepts not directly grounded in a physical experience.
→ we depend on metaphors, metonymy, and mental imagery which are still embodied from bodily experienced based on imaginative capacity
The nature of the thinking organism and the way it functions in its environment are of central concern to experiences of the human body and its embodiment of conceptual systems within the cognitive system.
Cognitive thinking - reason and loss of meaning
The objectivist views -
Symbols that corresponds to the external world are internal representation of external reality
Abstract symbols may stand in correspondence to things in the world independent of peculiar properties of any organisms
The human mind makes use of internal representations of external reality, the mind is a mirror of nature, and correct reason mirrors the logic of the external world
11/12/2023
But why is reciprocated violence the answer
Victims of genital mutilation and the body as a site of colonization
Victims of religion
“Resistance is the secret of joy”
The beauty of living in your own home
To not run away try to escape my home
Imperialism and yard work
History of war in human existence
War and enterprise
Escapism - escape from the self, freedom of choice, everyday life
Escape theory - decrease self awareness forget meaningful sense of the selves
Letting go of high-level conscious thinking and turning to bodily sensations and impressions
Freedom from incessant self evaluation, analyses, comparisons, and judgment
Escaping from the stressor - stress copings strategy
Escaping the emotions invoked by the stress or the stress itself
The need to escape from freedom approach is based Eric Fromm - WWII
The need to escape from freedom stems from the inability to handle the expanding freedom of choice - dread in feeling entire responsibility from one’s thoughts and deeds
Pleasure excess and indulgence GLUTTONY
Escape from self awareness
Self medication - escape from negative effects not pleasure
CB1 receptors in neurons of the spinal cord - expressed most densely in the central nervous system and are largely responsible for mediating the effects of cannabinoid binding in the brain.
cannabinoids regulate how cells communicate—how they send, receive, or process messages.
The CNS has three main components: the brain, the spinal cord, and the neurons (or nerve cells).
The brain controls most of the functions of the body, including awareness, movement, thinking, speech, and the 5 senses of seeing, hearing, feeling, tasting and smelling.
What mobilizes masses of people?
Mobilize - put into motion, incentivizing mobility.
What are the things that people feel are worth fighting for
Land
Existence
Resources
What makes people capable of violence at the expense of other lives (i am high and the image i have of this in my head is a literally like viking running into a front line battle and killing someone with a psychotic ass spiked metal weapon)
FEAR
Dehumanization
Animalization
Differentiation
Deprivation - resources, education, safety, medical care, love
Religion, Nationalism, Culture,
11/10/2023
The sound of violence
When living in proximity to wildlife and the wilderness
Less than 1% of grasslands in Montara are native specifies
How do you restore the grasslands of Montara
The sound of machines and chopping rumbling trucks
That sound is so normalized
There is nowhere to go without humans and our grotesque impression on this world we have managed to touch everything and there is nowhere to go that is safe